If Only
by spockandawe
Summary: Tarrlok has a lot of regrets. Everything has come crashing down around him and he can do nothing but think of what he's lost.


From the moment I saw Korra she fascinated me. At first, the Avatar only interested me as a tool, a political pawn I could twist to my purposes. I heard stories of her misadventures and laughed at how easy it would be to manipulate her. But when I met her for the first time, I must admit that my will wavered. In this multicultural city, I had forgotten the pure beauty of the Water Tribe. I saw this strong warrior woman dressed in the clothing of my home and fortunately caught myself staring her before anyone else noticed my distraction. Everything about her, from her traditional clothing and hairstyle to the fluid motion that spoke of years of training captivated me.

I could not help admiring her more as time went on. I think it would have disappointed me if it was too easy to bend her to my will. When she initially rejected the invitation to join my task force I was completely taken aback. As I lavished presents and attention on her, it amused me to think how closely this paralleled a traditional courtship. But I laughed less the longer she resisted, for I was slowly becoming aware of how badly I wanted her to come to my side. That night at the gala, she was stunning in her dress with her hair spilling across her shoulders, and I felt the smallest twinge of guilt for manipulating her the way I did. That feeling was completely swept away by the rush of elation when she agreed to join me in fighting Amon.

I must admit I felt very happy with myself at that point. I had everything I wanted, including her. When we fought together, it only confirmed my hope that we would work well as a team. Night after night she fought by my side and I felt that we shared the exhilaration of battle and the satisfaction of a job well done. I saw her bend earth and fire with ease, but I preferred the grace and power when she bent her native element of water. This was what a woman of the Tribes should be.

When she left the task force it felt like a blow in the gut. My public face was serene; I was too good of a politician to let _that _slip. But in private I was furious. This personal rejection, after everything I'd done for her was absolutely infuriating. Who did this girl think she was, that she could just walk away like that? She owed a debt to this city, to _me,_ and she would just turn away from it? Even though I raged inside, I put on a smiling face. I would pull her back to me. She'd regret leaving me like this. No matter what it took I would bring her back to my side. Whether she wanted to or not.

That night she came to my office... I never meant it to end that way. I was angry of course that she would try to work against me like this when all I wanted was to work together. If she would only stand with me, we could rule the city, crush all opposition, crush Amon with ease. But she continued to fight me, even fight the law to resist me. If the fury hadn't been stewing in me for so long, I might have been able to beat her. I fought well, but I could have done better if I had only had a calm heart. But I didn't. And I bloodbent her.

That was unforgivable of course. The moment I did it, the rage drained out of me and I was left only with an empty twisting in my gut. I'd dreamed of winning her to my side, her standing with me of her own free will. That could never happen now. I'd wished for her eyes to look at me with affection? She'd never be able to look at me without seeing a monster.

I hadn't panicked, but I hadn't thought through my actions completely either. I hid her away from the city as I desperately sorted through all my options. Unless I somehow silenced her or killed her forever, my life in Republic City was over. She would never be silent. I would never kill her. As Tenzin and the others discovered my lies, I finally tried to flee with her to the wilderness. I had wild dreams that I could explain my past, show her that bloodbending wasn't who I was. She'd distrust me of course, that's just who she was. But over time her heart would soften. She'd see the regard I had for her and one night I'd take her hand in mine and she would let me. I'd look into those bluest eyes, they'd tell me I was forgiven, and I could sleep knowing that at least one person pardoned my crimes and saw past them to care for me. No matter what I'd lost, I could have gained that one incomparable gift. But I couldn't do that either. My brother found me first.

Now I sit in this empty cell and think of what I've lost. My position in the city hardly seems to matter compared to the rest. There's a hole in me where my waterbending used to be, and my hands can run through the motions while the water sits motionless before me. I can touch it without feeling the push and pull of the waves that shaped my life before that horrible night. But the worst is that I have hopelessly lost her, through no fault but my own. For one short day I harbored those foolish dreams about forgiveness and love. But when I close my eyes all I can see is those beautiful eyes watching me under the starry sky filled with nothing but hate and fear.


End file.
